Friday, June 26, 2015
For me.
Today was hard, for reasons I don't want to say because it shows how weak and pathetic I am. People are dealing with so much everyday AND people deal with my crap everyday times a million! People are strong. Today I felt weak and defeated. I felt like I let life get the best of me. Over and over. I felt so selfish in all my whining and complaining to myself too. I just. It was all too much. I laid in bed after I put Ollie down and had somehow managed to pull myself together enough to clean the house, do the dishes and laundry and prepare for tomorrow. That was probably the only tender mercy I experienced today. See, again, Selfish. I'm hoping to get over myself and be better to myself, my boy, and others tomorrow. Life is so...weird. I feel like all my thoughts and goals and actions are always contradicting each other. I'm a talker. Not a doer. But I want to be what I'm not. I always see the ways I can be better, but I don't ever act on it and I never live for who I am either. I guess I'm a pretty self-consciece, under confident, undefined, small person. That's who I see in my ways. It's not figuring out HOW to change, Spence and I are so good and philosophizing and figuring out life, it's DOING the change. I'm in a circle of life that leads me back to where I started constantly. Can't wait to get that circle straight. I don't even believe I can...that's, sad.
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3 comments:
I have felt every feeling you describe here. Every one! We are brought down to lows in order to help us change and become better. If we didn't have the lows, we couldn't progress. I see this as Heavenly Father taking you and molding (and humbling) you so you can become even greater and better and happier than you are. We can't even imagine all He has in store for us. I don't want to diminish what you are feeling nor do I want you to feel unjustified in your feelings. It's OKAY for you to feel down and everything else you've felt. You don't need to compare yourself or think that you can't feel that way because other people have it "worse." We all have our own trials and they are real. I gar auntie you everyone reading this is scoffing because they see you as the bright, bubbly, kind, vivacious and beautiful woman you are. Tell Satan that he is just jealous of your hot, curvy body and he can go take a kick in the pants and cry somewhere because YOU are taking your life back and he is not welcome cause (if you allow me to quote a virtuous role model in our society) "every inch of you is perfect from the bottom to the top!" I LOVE YOU KERFUFFLE
love you girly!!
We all get in ruts sometimes. We're human. I know I'm not the only one that loves you and it's not because of the stuff you get done. Sometimes we have periods of time where we need to give ourselves credit for the little things like keeping the kids alive. So if your sweet boy is healthy and happy, you're doing good things, Mama. Love you!
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